by Arcea-Drakkarre Sat Sep 07, 2013 3:12 am
I'm furious. I'm shaking. I feel like I would cry if my emotions would just freaking connect. I'm so angry.
Months ago when an event happened in my life which threw me into a terrible depression I essentially had one person in real life who was around. That's my roommate and, at least at the time, best friend. He isn't good at being sympathetic or caring toward me though so he had me wear his jacket for comfort. I essentially wore it 24/7 and he conceded it was pretty much mine after a couple months. Fast forward - he met a girl and they've been dating. She stayed more and more, began taking over the space, and he continually treated her more warmly and me more coldly. It is to the point he is entirely cold to me and typically refuses to acknowledge my existence, and worse, when his girlfriend makes rude comments and jokes at my expense he really encourages it. Things that were special between us as best friends he has one by one transfered over to her. They're moving out soon, which he informed me of in a cold text. Whatever. The "final straw" to this all is that jacket. He has, at thus point, taken away literally everything else we once shared. And two days ago informed me that I needed to return his jacket. I don't know what my feelings are exactly but they are strong and definitely not happy. He and his girlfriend have continually insisted I return it, and I flat out refuse. I knew it was a pointless thing to hold onto if now there will be sadness and negativity attached rather than comfort or support, so I resigned myself to take a few days to unattach and then return it. But he kept insisting I return it, and I'm stubborn. It is nearly impossible for me to make myself do something if someone continues insisting on it. But the worst of it was tonight...he said that he needed it back. I refused. He said he would find it. I declined. Then he and his gf said I needed to return it for her to wear because she was cold and so she wouldn't stretch out his hoodie. Oh heck no. Firstly, I'm freaking sick of losing things that are important to me and being given to someone else without consideration or care about how I feel, secondly, trying to guilt me into it just pissed me off and makes me more stubborn. You're cold? Use a blanket. Maybe wear more than a braless tshirt and short boxer shorts. Put on your own darn jacket - which you would have if you hadn't become a friggin squater at my house. She didn't want to change or use a blanket. She clearly just wanted his jacket. I've even told him I would buy him a new jacket. No. They want thus one. Not because it means anything to them, but because it means something to ME and that straight up pissed me off. And hurts. That, too. Tonight while I was brushing my teeth he went in my room and found it, breaching my personal territory and taking something I was opposed to losing. He was walking back to his room with it when I saw him and he smugly laughed and remarked on his triumph.
*this is where a little switch flips in my head*
So, I informed him he couldn't have it, grabbed one end, and proceeded to wrestle him over it for the next several minutes, through the kitchen, knocking over the trash can, scattering trash, crushing said can, through the hallway, and into his room where I pried it free and ran to my bedroom door. And stopped. Frankly, I think I wanted to fight more, despite knowing I'll be bruised tomorrow. He didn't follow, however, so I went into my room and locked the door.
Now....here is my life's dilemma. The same one I encounter over and over. He ruined the feelings in the jacket so I don't want it now. He wants it back and his wanting it back is what ruined it, so I am too stubborn to return it, plus seeing him or her wear it would always bring up fury. If I don't return it that'll cause a rift, if I do, well, that rift is probably already caused by me fighting for it. But I'm done with this bullshit. I'm too logical of a person to think destroying it would serve a purpose. And if I had someone keep it outside the house that wouldn't solve a darn thing - would just encourage him to go through all my things and cause more conflict. I'm just so freaking pissed right now. It isn't even about the jacket anymore. F**k the jacket. I'm just so furious whenever I am in this position of being paralyzed by my stubborn pride and other personality factors that all pull disparaging ways. And I'm really, very sad to steadily watch as I lose my best friend, piece by piece.
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